QUESTIONS YOU DON’T ASK SOMEONE IN AN UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP
- Xenia Schembri
- Jan 26, 2019
- 3 min read
For many years people have asked me ‘why didn’t you leave your ex-husband sooner?’ Or ‘If there were signs of control before you got married why did you marry him?’ These are genuine questions that really bother people who have not been in an abusive relationship. Even though I understand why people ask these questions, it is frustrating to hear it. I felt that it almost put the blame of the abuse on me. It was as if people were saying ‘you kept putting yourself into the situation, or you should have known better’. I often said that to myself, I would take the blame, maybe I should have known better.
It was not as if I set out to get abused. I had high hopes for a good, respectful relationship, then one day I realised, I was in ‘that kind’ of relationship. It was a slow process that you don’t see coming, even though you see the odd sign here and there. I honestly thought that he would change when we got married and as he grew older. That didn’t happen. The problem with the abuser is that they always see themselves as right and everyone else as wrong. No one is as clever as they are. Even professionals didn’t know as much as he did. They are good at manipulating a situation to make you feel stupid if you aren’t compliant. I didn’t see it clearly, not for what it was anyway.
The reason people don’t leave abusive relationships vary from one person to another but for me, the fear of the unknown was stronger than the fear of him. Let me explain that a little further: I knew my enemy, my boundaries with him. If I left, what would he do, how would he react? Could I live on my own? He had diminished my confidence so much, I wasn’t sure I was able too. But then one day when the fear of him outweighed the fear of the unknown. I got to the stage where I was so frightened of him that I didn’t care what he might do if I left - anything was better than living like that. What was the worst that could happen? Would he kill me? If he did kill me then I’d be free anyway. That was one of my biggest fears because he’d threatened it so many times throughout my life with him. He didn’t kill me - I survived and I’m free and living my life to the fullest.
I have to say that the first steps where the hardest. I felt like I was in a prison cell and the door was so heavy. But, as I started opening the door the weight of the door became its own momentum and then one day I woke up and realised I was in control and not him.
If you see someone in an unhealthy relationship, please don’t ask, ‘why aren’t you leaving them?’ Don’t ask anything that might make them feel condemned, or that might diminish their confidence anymore.
Ask what you can do to help them. Support them in their journey and when the do eventually leave be a supportive friend. They may need practical help or they may need emotional. But just be prepared to listen.
If you would like to know more about my journey, you can pre-order my book, Broken To Be Beautiful at https://www.xeniaschembri.com/online-store/Broken-To-Be-Beautiful-Pre-Sale-Price-p127440815
This article really highlights how complicated unhealthy relationships can be. People often assume leaving is simple but emotional manipulation and gradual control make it incredibly difficult to recognize the situation clearly. I appreciate how the writer explained the slow process of realizing what was happening. Many people judge from the outside without understanding the emotional weight involved. When life becomes overwhelming students sometimes even search things like hire someone to take my online exam just to cope with pressure. Support and understanding matter much more than criticism.
Thank you for sharing your experience it’s so important to validate feelings without judgment. Reading your story reminded me of the true story of inmate firefighter, who overcame unimaginable challenges and found purpose despite harsh circumstances. Stories like yours and theirs show the resilience of the human spirit and the importance of understanding, rather than blaming, those facing abuse.
Thank you for sharing this honest reflection. Questions like these can unintentionally shift blame onto survivors rather than acknowledging the complexity of abuse. Anyone who has read a toxic parents book or explored trauma psychology understands how manipulation and control distort judgment. Instead of asking “why didn’t you leave,” we should ask, “how can I support you now?” Compassion matters most.
Reading stories like this reminds me how complicated abusive relationships can be. People on the outside often think leaving is easy, but emotional financial and psychological factors make it incredibly difficult. Survivors deserve support not blame. I’ve seen similar conversations while researching education struggles and support systems especially around topics like take my GED online where judgment also appears. Everyone’s journey has layers and compassion matters more than assumptions when someone is trying to rebuild their confidence and future.
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