Updated: Mar 26, 2021
Demanding Silence From My Fears
I am at a point where I can see, almost touch my future. But it has caused me to look at my fears in the face and scream
’Shut up I will not allow you to control me anymore - I demand silence!’
As many of you know I have been writing my story for many years. 2012 I started yet another version of my book, which turned out to be the final one. I had begun to write it twice before, didn't like them, scrapped them, started again. It's really hard to write down your story, to collate it so it makes sense to you first, then to others. I found it overwhelming.
My fears were, and still are to some extent:
1. That I would be judged
2. That I would remember things from a wounded perspective and so not give a fair and objective view.
3. To misrepresent someone else's intentions
4. That I will be made vulnerable
5. That I would expose myself to criticism
6. That I will look like I'm trying to be more important than I am.
7. I can't even write
When i looked at my fears I then re-evaluated. What was the positives to writing my story?
1. That people could see the change in me and maybe it will help others with making the kind of change they need.
2. It would help others understand how easy it is to slide into an unhealthy relationship without realising it
3. It will help people who have never experienced DV to see why people stay in that kind of relationship.
4. It would be a beacon of hope
5. It will develop warriors in the battle of life. Whatever the experiences look like.
6. It will expose me - which would in turn, expose where my convictions lie, how my heart loves, my strength, my capacity to overcome and tenacity to keep going and make the world a better place.
7. It would be an honest account of a journey to rediscover who I am.
8. People will always be critical of another persons journey when they haven't walked in their shoes - will that stop because I don't write my story? No.
9. It will show a supernatural power and presence throughout my life that I have found to be closer than I could imagine, truth, and the only way for me to live my life.
The ’writing my story’ journey is about to end with the book going into the presale stage any week now.
I have found the last few months to be just as much of a challenge as writing it. I have sent my book off to appraisers, editors, and close friends for scrutiny. Gee - that's so painful. When people come back with changes to make the book better, I felt suddenly protective about it. I had to beat that feeling and know this was only to enhance it.
There were times I wanted to give up but the time and money I had already invested in it kept me going.
Self-promotion is a continual battle for me - websites, Social media, lives on Facebook, (haven't done one yet), media kits and so much more to come.
Today as I read through the final formatted version, I still feel vulnerable. I still have these little lies pop into my head - ’who do you think you are?’ ’Is this even going to make a difference?’ ’Is anyone really that interested in your story?’ ’who would want to buy it anyway?’ ’you can't even spell and your grammar is a joke.’
I know these lies are trying to keep me in fear and regret. To shut me up so I will go back into my shell and hide. I won't ignore them though, I will hear them but I won't listen to them anymore. Lies have controlled my life for too long already. I will use them to propel me forward. If they are so strong in my head its because I have to do this. I have an enemy who doesn't want this story of restoration to be told. I will tell it. Nothing will stop it.
So, here I am, about to do it. I will receive the strength I need, I have demanded silence from from my fears - its time to press the print button.
If you feel that you are in an abusive relationship, please feel free to contact me or find someone you trust to help you. Some organisations will support you, so google organisations near you.
Read my 'Great Safe Escape blog for more information on leaving an abusive relationship safely.
If you have found this helpful to understand trauma bonding, then please share and link this blog. If you would like to know more about my own personal story, you can buy my book 'Broken To Be Beautiful' here.
Author information: Xenia Schembri
Along with her husband, Simon, are the founders of the charity At the Ark based on the Gold Coast Queensland Australia. Since 2010 At The Ark have supported families whose children have been abused and families impacted by domestic violence.
Previously, Xenia was in a 15-year domestic violent marriage. Xenia has become a voice for the voiceless and has a passion to prove that the past does not have to negatively impact the future, but positively propel anyone to change to their future.
Xenia was Woman of the Year 2020 on the Gold Coast Australia and one of the Westfield's Local Heroes in 2020. She is an international speaker and author of 4 published books. The Brave Little Bear series that equips families with self-protective behaviours and her own story Broken To Be Beautiful.
Here are links to some of her other blogs that you may find interesting.